zero

I pray to all the guys that I gave my heart to
The ones I risked everything to make each of them happy when I was with him
To poured and showered them with love and laugh
I pray that once in their lives they would come to realize they had take me for granted
They would see that I always put them above everything
And I was always trying no matter how hard it was
And never -ever- had a second thought in loving each of them in their times
And I wish they know
How much they were loved
That I think I loved them  a bit too much,
Each of them carried a piece of my heart
That they never gave back
So now I live as a broken girl
Who maybe never deserves someone’s whole heart
Because I already have none for the exchange.

Dec 21st, 2014
11:30pm

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Dec 21st, 2014

I don’t watch Korean drama now.
I barely listen to my fave Kpop songs.
Guess what,
My fave country in the world now reminds me a lot about you.
It reminds me of calling you in the morning when I took the subway
The 8am morning calls that we used to do every day before work, we still did it when I was there.
How strange it is that even the street near my hotel has your name in it.
Of all the names in the world and they had yours!
And I found it very romantic.
Like a serendipity to remind me everyday to give you a call.
During the trip, I kept my clock in Jakarta time so I would know the perfect time to talk to you
This thing got me so much in trouble because I missed some schedules from miss-interpreting the clock.
I wanted to match the time with your schedule at the office
I was always worried if it’s noon already. I kept checkin on the clock to make sure it hasn’t been 5pm yet.
If it’s already 5, then I would have to wait for the next 8am to hear from you again
That would be a very long long time for me
I remember how it felt of wishing you were there with me
The freezing weather, the Christmas decors;
I found a lot of things I wanted to show you or to tell you,
Thinking you would love this city as much as I do
I always thought that it would be very nice if you join me on the trip
We could totally had fun.
I found a lot of people on the streets, holding hands. And I remembered you.
I was hoping I was one of those couples. I was hoping I could do that with you.
Having you there. Cuddling to chase away the cold. Linking arms. Together.
And when I know it was just a wasteful thinking, I was let down inside.
I remember it was the early days of us when I left.
You were still curious about me.
I still miss that fire you had when you liked me that much.
It made me feel really good.
You asked for video calls. Made a prank that got my heart dropped and I couldn’t enjoy my trip that moment. Your joke of asking me selfies. Your calls.
I still miss the way you wanted me to be around like before.
The way it used to feel like you really missed me.
Like you really did give a damn.
Like you really meant it.
I cannot think about Korea without remembering how much I was happy with you
But remembering it all now goes to waste.
It’s harder to remember the good times.
I cannot do anything about it. And you never really care.
So I better not be an idiot and go down that road.
Because Korea has a new meaning to me.
It would instantly drives me back to time when I felt like I had you
 


-Remember once I told you that Kdrama and KPOP songs used to be my escape when things were rough? So pretty much I give up my fave thing for you-
Dec 21st, 2014
2:32pm

November 2nd, 2013

Hello November!

I never thought November will come this…………..lonely.

It feels empty lately like everyday is the same. It’s boring. I thought since it’s my birth month everything will be brighter. Happier.

I was wrong.

It scares me to know that I will be granted another year in my life, and I’m still the same sad girl I was before.

I remember last year when the last 3 months before December 2012 were very hard on me. I felt so alone. I felt so lost. I couldn’t sleep for days. I was scared all along. Found that my life seemed meaningless and time was running fast, I felt like loosing my breath and achieved nothing.

Though everything eventually came the other way around after the US trip, now I’m walking on the same path again, in exactly the same months now,

I survived it before.

I. Should. Make it. Again!

Planning to go to Melbourne on December. Though it’s a place I always wanted to go after US, it fails to move this heavy burden in my chest.

I don’t feel like going.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t want anything.

I wan nothing.

…………..I’m goin crazy!

Living life like this I think is the worst.

I spent days alone in my room, thinking. Crying. Trying to figure out what is that that’s been bugging me. And the answers I couldn’t find pushing me to the edge of -almost- mental break down.

I feel so sad when mom tried to talk to me and I acted like a pain in the ass. I actually want to talk to her. Just chatting around. I know she must be lonely. But everytime she comes near, I feel so irritated. Tried not to show it up too often, but I couldn’t help it if she starts to mention about setting me up with some men. I just hate this topic the most.

I feel like God is leaving me.

Because I’ve been bad. And I’m not sorry enough for all my sins. I feel like I survived last year’s same depression, I could do it again this year.

But somehow it terrifies me that if I could make it alone again now, that just means God has really left me.

And I don’t want that.

So to wrap up all of these, I can only think of three words.

Scared.

Lonely.

Dying.

I wish someone could save me.

November 2nd, 2013

Hello November!

I never thought November will come this…………..lonely.

It feels empty lately like everyday is the same. It’s boring. I thought since it’s my birth month everything will be brighter. Happier.

I was wrong.

It scares me to know that I will be granted another year in my life, and I’m still the same sad girl I was before.

I remember last year when the last 3 months before December 2012 were very hard on me. I felt so alone. I felt so lost. I couldn’t sleep for days. I was scared all along. Found that my life seemed meaningless and time was running fast, I felt like loosing my breath and achieved nothing.

Though everything eventually came the other way around after the US trip, now I’m walking on the same path again, in exactly the same months now,

I survived it before.

I. Should. Make it. Again!

Planning to go to Melbourne on December. Though it’s a place I always wanted to go after US, it fails to move this heavy burden in my chest.

I don’t feel like going.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t want anything.

I wan nothing.

…………..I’m goin crazy!

Living life like this I think is the worst.

I spent days alone in my room, thinking. Crying. Trying to figure out what is that that’s been bugging me. And the answers I couldn’t find pushing me to the edge of -almost- mental break down.

I feel so sad when mom tried to talk to me and I acted like a pain in the ass. I actually want to talk to her. Just chatting around. I know she must be lonely. But everytime she comes near, I feel so irritated. Tried not to show it up too often, but I couldn’t help it if she starts to mention about setting me up with some men. I just hate this topic the most.

I feel like God is leaving me.

Because I’ve been bad. And I’m not sorry enough for all my sins. I feel like I survived last year’s same depression, I could do it again this year.

But somehow it terrifies me that if I could make it alone again now, that just means God has really left me.

And I don’t want that.

So to wrap up all of these, I can only think of three words.

Scared.

Lonely.

Dying.

I wish someone could save me.

August 12th, 2013

Some things are easy to say but it’s freakin hard to do. It may seem like the simplest thing, but you’ll never know how complicated it could be until….you actually experience it.

Like this simple phrase “love yourself first before you can love someone else”.

Have to admit that after all this time, I still haven’t moved on from David. It’s not that I still love him or I want him back. But everything about him still bothers me. They say if it still bothers you, it means you still care. Then that’s true. I still give a damn. I still care about NOT caring. And that’s just an eye opening. I can’t believe myself either. And another fact: Lui might be “just” a rebound.

Well, that guy makes me happy. He gives me something-I still don’t know what it is. It might be “love”. But love is a BIG word. So I just call it “crush” or “interest”. Yes, he can calm me down. Yes, he can make me want to love again. But I was “fine” without any news from him. I might get a bit cranky, but it’s not something I can’t handle. Not until David’s news got me. Then suddenly I got the urge to MUST have Lui. Like there’s no way I can let this failed again.

Then Rani said “It’s obviously now that you haven’t moved on from David” and I know it’s true.

 

Protected: August 8th, 2013

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Protected: Chapter II of August 7th, 2013.

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